Let’s Talk About… Mental Health
One of the reasons that I started a personal website, was to be able to expand on some of the themes that I talk about on Twitter. As I became more active over the last few years, as well as sharing the highs of projects we were working on, I was also sharing some of the lows that I felt. I started to receive more and more DMs from people saying they were feeling similar things or thought they were the only ones going through a difficult time. It was apparent (especially during the lockdown) that many people were dealing with intense feelings and mental health pressures. That’s why each month I’m going to share my personal story of living with anxiety and depression, and the ways in which I have tried to create systems and support that can help me thrive, in case it helps one person to have a better day.
It’s too much to fit into a single post, so this will be a year of exploration and discovery on this topic. I want to start by sharing a quick history of my own journey, and where I am today. If you are looking for practical tips, skip to the bottom as I share what I’ve been doing this month to help me stay focused.
Trying to apply logic to the illogical
For a long time, I tried to hide my mental health struggles. Most of my friends & colleagues saw me as a very confident person. I was comfortable doing a talk on stage in front of 500 people. I could handle myself in meetings with senior leadership. I would put myself forward to be involved in high-value projects. But secretly, behind closed doors, I felt anything but confidence.
When trying to describe what it’s like living with anxiety to someone who has never experienced it, it sometimes feels like trying to talk in a different language hoping at some point the other person will understand what you are saying, but knowing ultimately that the translation will never fully click.
People try to use logic to define the illogical in those feelings;
But you have such a great partner, why would you be feeling sad?
You have just bought a house, surely you are feeling great?
Work seems to be going well, what’s the matter?
The issue with anxiety and depression is that it isn’t always linked to a particular trigger. Sometimes you can find a connection to an action, comment, or moment, but most of the time, at least for me, this rush of emotion would seemingly come out of nowhere.
I could be sitting at my desk, writing a report, and the next minute in the bathroom having a panic attack. I could go from 0-100 within a few minutes. Sometimes I could recover, compose myself, and head back out to work to carry on, with none of my colleagues any the wiser. Other times it would spiral, and I would need to find ways to remove myself from situations as I knew it was going to be bad. This has happened at film festivals, networking events, and even in team meetings. No matter whether the space felt familiar or new, I could fall into a bad moment.
I can’t recall the very first time I had a panic attack, but I remember the first time I had a prolonged period of anxiety. It was my final year of university, I was writing up my dissertations in the library, and whilst everyone else was diligently getting on with their work, I felt this weight constantly surrounding my whole body, that someone awful was going to happen. I hadn’t missed a single lecture, I had studious notes from my research, I was performing well, but I couldn’t shake this fear. I stayed in the library for days at a time, until it became too much. My mum had to pick me up and take me home to try to reset the balance in my brain. My friends struggled to see why it ‘mattered’ to me that much, why I couldn’t just ‘chill out’ and get some perspective. I didn’t know. It was just a few essays, some words on a page, the culmination of 3 years of really great work. It was illogical to me too.
Everyone needs cheerleaders
As I entered the workforce, I hoped this feeling wouldn’t come with me, but just a few months after moving to London it was back again and for the last 14 years, I’ve battled these intense moments every few months. Sometimes I can see the trigger very clearly - not getting a grant for a project, missing out on an investment in a new idea, not getting selected into a certain festival - but most of the time I would say there is no clear trigger. It can be the simplest thing. It can also be nothing.
This is Dan & I on our honeymoon in May 2017, even though it was one of the best times of my life, I still had 2 panic attacks whilst I was there. This guy has picked me back up more times than I can count.
The only person who really knew what was going on was my husband. He was the only person who saw the daily struggle I was going through. The only person who knew had bad it got. I’m not sure what I would have done if it wasn’t for him. To say that he has been my rock throughout this time is an understatement. It is a miracle that we met on a drunken university tour at Sussex Uni and are still together 15 years later. It must have been exhausting to have witnessed this person not functioning for days on end. Having his support meant that I could function on the days when I wasn’t able to do anything for myself.
There is a familiar mantra “your network is your net worth”, I find a lot of truth in this. However, for me, it’s more about finding your cheerleaders who can reference back your growth, and empower you to continue. I have found this in my husband, my best friend, a group of close friends, and more recently my Inside Pictures peers who never waiver in their belief that I can succeed. Find your cheerleaders, and keep them close. They will understand that sometimes you have no explanation for why you are feeling bad, but they will do everything they can to bring you back to a positive place.
Repositioning the value in vulnerability
One of the biggest frustrations about living with anxiety is the vulnerability you feel about opening up to your peers. No one wants to be thought of as ‘weak’ or ‘unprepared’. You don’t want your colleagues to doubt your abilities to perform the duties of your job. You don’t want anyone to be concerned that you won’t get the work done. However revealing the reason behind some of your actions, and the mental health barriers that you live with can compound those feelings even more.
When I set up Together Films as a consultancy, I had no plan, no grand idea and I didn’t go out to raise funding. I simply knew that I liked helping people, and people had said that they found my advice (about marketing, distribution, and impact) to be helpful. My anxiety had restricted my ability to envisage any form of greater entity than myself sitting at a table with a filmmaker 1:1. My anxiety had put a limiting belief around what I could achieve, and so I didn’t attempt to achieve more. As people started to share with others how I had helped them, I would get more referrals for new clients. I existed on client referrals for 4 years. My website was always pretty basic, I didn’t email potential new clients, and I didn’t apply for funding for our work. I just tried to keep up with the interest and hire a few people along the way to keep up with demand, as I didn’t feel I deserved anything more.
I’ve come to realize that the more I could be honest with myself, my team, and my clients, the better we could perform and the bigger my aspirations could be. The thing that I thought everyone would see as vulnerable, they saw as honest and authentic. When I finally started to share my goals, people wanted to help. I’m now building a base of funding, client, and project supporters who want to see me thrive, and understand some of the elements that I need in order to do that.
Done is better than perfect
One of the biggest physicalizations of my anxiety is my obsession with perfectionism over my own work. We have a mantra in our office that is ‘done is better than perfect’. I have to say it to myself at least once a week, and I have to say it to my colleagues as frequently. I can sell someone else’s work all day long. I can write a grant application for someone else and get hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, asking me to write a proposal for my thoughts, my vision, my ideas, and procrastination will jump in every time. The fears that I’m sure most people have at some point “why would anyone care what you think?”, “why would anyone listen”, or “why would anyone want to fund you”, are the loudest voice in my head.
The lack of self-worth, self-belief, and self-confidence stems from my anxiety. It is the single biggest thing that has stopped me from building a bigger business sooner. I didn’t write a big business plan on day 1, as I didn’t believe anyone would want to read it, fund it or support it. I didn’t think they would want to support me. I thought I would be judged for my ideas or thoughts. I completely underestimated my own abilities and potential impact. I didn’t charge enough at the start, as I didn’t value my own mind. That in itself put financial pressure on me and my ability to deliver.
Throughout my career, I would watch friends I admire go on to do wonderful things. I would be in awe of their ability to thrive. I would be their biggest champion and help them achieve their dreams, as I couldn’t even vocalize mine. I was scared to even say what my goals were, as my inner self would immediately shoot them down. This vicious cycle of admiration, self-deprecation, and frustration would continue for months and months.
Mechanisms for managing anxiety
I felt I had to start communicating to my clients how I work best and what I was living with so that they understood some of my requests. I have severe email anxiety, it is the most illogical of all of my anxieties. Sometimes even opening my inbox could give me a panic attack. They are just words on a page, in digital form, but for me, it could spark fear. I find it very difficult to balance the tone of voice when I am reading an email, which is why I prefer video calls - I can see someone’s face, I can read their reactions, I can use my body language to enhance or improve a situation.
It’s another reason why I love Slack (an instant messaging tool). People use fewer words on Slack, you can split the information between different ‘channels’ (I like to compartmentalize), and I can simply ‘like’ your comment to say that I’ve read it. We had to add into our contracts that working with us meant that you had to use Slack as I found the volume of client emails to be overwhelming. This simple request was a gamechanger at the time. Most clients said yes without question, my email inbox was reduced slightly (it’s still hundreds a day), however, I didn’t have the fear first thing in the morning.
I hired an assistant in 2019 who looked after my inbox. They would prepare a summary at the end of each day as to what was in there:
Do you want to go to this event?
Are you interested in working with this person?
Have you got that report ready?
They would read through all the detail and summarise what the person was asking of me and my time. In the same year that I had been selected on the Mayor of London’s International Growth Programme, with trade missions to NYC & LA, I couldn’t even manage my own inbox. It wasn’t even just the volume, it could have been 5 messages or 500, I would have the same fear. I promoted that assistant as they were excelling in other areas, and I’ll be looking for a new one soon.
Moving myself and my clients to Slack was a huge reduction in stress. Hiring an assistant to review my inbox was a daily relief. If you find one thing that makes your anxiety easier to manage, put it as a requirement in your contracts.
The value of a clear system
I love systems and order. At school, I was the kid who colour coordinated their folders and lecture notes. I was a maths geek and liked when things had a rational methodology, which is why I try to use systems for everything. I hate disorganized data.
I know I am not alone in this, as I have found many a database friend over the years, as systems improve your work and reduce stress for those living with anxiety.
We get a new business inquiry every day at Together Films. I am extremely proud of this fact. However, it can also be overwhelming and increase the email anxiety above. That is why we implemented a new business inquiry form. If you want to work with us, please take 5 mins to complete a simple form.
It is such a simple gesture and means that we can review your request in an ordered way. However, I still get so many people who say “'I’ve just emailed you that detail”, or “it’s in the attachment”, without them realizing how stressful it can be for me to process that data. I have a certain time every week when I can review the new requests, and it’s in a structured way. When someone asks you for data in a certain format please respect the request. You never know how much impact it can have on the other side.
Coaching rather than therapy was the best choice for me
Over the last few months, I have been working with a coach to focus on my future self. I had previously explored therapy but felt like I was constantly looking backward and not thinking about what could be done in the future. Through coaching, I was pushed to consider what the best outcome could be, and start to focus on that. I’ve started 2022 with the mindset that any of my prior concerns, previous anxious moment, or potential ‘failures’ at work were part of that time. It doesn’t define who I am today, or what I can do tomorrow.
As I write this on 31st January 2022, it’s the first month without a panic attack or depressive day for as long as I can remember. I’m consciously thinking about making sure that every day is progressing towards my goals. I’m aware of how I am reacting to situations and using techniques to pause or remove an anxious episode before it happens.
This is just my first summary of how I think/feel and hope to broaden this topic to look at company policies, sector-wide issues, support mechanisms, social impact filmmaking, and much more. It was important for me to set the tone of this section based on my prior experience before we seek out some of the sector solutions that could be developed or delivered to improve the mental health and wellness of everyone working in film.
10 Tips to reduce anxiety
In my work, I always like to leave people with tangible next steps and so wanted to share some of the things that have helped me start the year with a more positive mindset, in case these techniques help you:
Vision Board - I have previously found it difficult to vocalize my ambitions, and so in my new home office, I’ve literally written them on the wall! It’s a poster-size blackboard, where I can put the big goals for the year (including revenue targets, personal growth, and dream clients). Whatever you are trying to achieve (whether big or small), write it up somewhere that you can see every day as a reminder of what you are aiming for.
Daily goal setting and wins - I got a new daily planner for 2022, where I can list the top 3 things I want to achieve that day. This is in addition to my digital project management tool (ClickUp), which has all of my task management. The key here is to write down each day at least 1 ‘win’ (which ends up forming the basis of this blog). It is great to end the day on a positive note.
Celebrating each step - As a leader, I want to ensure that my team feels motivated about achieving progress, even if we are far away from completing the whole project. Each day and week I try to shine a light on a team member who has achieved greatness with a particular step of a task, to show the importance of getting that far. This could include entering information into our CRM correctly, acing a Product Management client meeting or delivering a strong announcement graphic. Giving praise frequently uplifts my own mood as well as my team.
Daily journaling - Having a diary was never really my thing, but a good friend introduced me to the ‘One Line A Day’ concept and it changed my perception. I simply write 1 line/paragraph each night with a highlight from that day. The journal works for 5 years, and the hope is that as each year passes you can recognize your development over time.
Environment Creation - We recently moved into a new house and for the first time I have a home office in a separate room. As someone who overworks, I can’t tell you the difference between being able to ‘close the door’ at the end of the day. You may not have the space for a separate room, but can you put your laptop in a drawer at night? Can you add your daily wins on your wall? Can you hang a poster for your next film? Create the right environment to perform.
Accountability buddies - I have a group of friends and industry peers that hold me accountable for my goals. One of my goals for this quarter is to enter the year with a more positive mindset and try to surround myself with people and projects that empower this energy. I’ve made it through a month without a panic attack. This is a huge achievement to start the year.
This website (!) - It took me 10 years to really start to talk about how my mental health was affecting me, and another 4 before I launched this website. Perhaps you don’t need to do something as public as this. Maybe it’s just sending that text to a friend to say you aren’t feeling great. My best friend has received that text multiple times, and always replies with something helpful. Tell someone how you are feeling. At the moment I am feeling more confident and positive than I ever have before, and whilst I’m in this good space, I want to be able to share with others who might be where I was 2,5, or 10 years ago.
Exercise - I used to be into every sport going and over the years I didn’t prioritize this as much as I should. At the moment, my favourite thing to do is swimming. It is where I feel disconnected from the stresses in my life, and connected to thinking about myself. A simple joy is a swim on the rooftop pool at Soho House before I start work. It puts me in the right mindset. I’ve also (maybe reluctantly) signed up for a half marathon with my running loving mother at the end of March.
Conversations - People who live with depression & anxiety find it easy to hide how they are really feeling, so I openly encourage talking through a situation out loud. Even if just to yourself. What is the situation? What are the negatives? What are the positives? What steps can you take now to change the situation (if you can)? Who can you ask for help? Either talk it out with yourself (out loud) or call someone who is a good listener (one of the reasons I’m open with my team so I can sound them out if I feel like I’m spiralling). I included this in my interview when I hired our amazing Director of Operations, Alex Cook. She was fully aware that part of the reason for her being hired was to act as a barrier against triggers that might impact my mental health, and be a sounding board when I thought I was spiraling. The way she reacted to that point in the interview made me realize that she was the perfect hire.
Achievement Board - This was my husband's idea, and it is the best. Every time something good happens, I have to write it on a postcard and pin it to a board in my office. This can be a positive quote from a call, winning a deal, receiving a nice tweet comment, literally anything. If it gave me joy that day, I add it to the wall. The act of writing it down solidifies that it happeneds. There were 2 moments this month when I could feel my anxiety brewing and I stood up, looked at the wall, and read out the statements until the feelings passed. Don’t underestimate the power of celebrating each achievement to help you deal with your anxiety (you never know when you will need to look at your own board!).
This was just a short introduction to this theme, which I will be exploring further over the coming months. If this has been useful for even 1 person to read, then I’m glad it helped. If you just want to read my film recommendations on my Playlist, and not engage with this kind of content, that is also great. I wanted to give my whole self to this space, and I’m happy for my readers to dip in and out of what they find interesting.
If you need any professional support, please reach out to Mind or CALM.